Tag Archives: bastos

New Media, Indeed!

And I am not talking about internet, or augmented reality or other new tech. I’m more of an old school guy, you know. I still don’t have cable, but free TV adapted, actually, in quite wondrous ways. You still can’t watch free porn but there’s always Solenn Heusaff. Remember radio? they evolved, too. From an all-news format to an all-request station, you can program your radio-playing mobile phone into niche programming and recreate Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas without the guns and the crime because you live in the Philippines and there are more buses and speed bumps in side streets than there are luxury cars and 9mm ammunition. And print? Eh, you’re looking at it.

credits to spot.ph

credits to spot.ph

From a music player full of downloaded files on your phone to buying digital music by the single on iTunes, it may seem that radio is dead, if you don’t want to listen to music chosen by others to appeal to their taste and foisted upon you every day until the earworm goes through your brain on the other side. As noted by the late George Carlin, himself an ex-DJ, lots of music actually get chosen to be put on the radio by sheer catchiness, what is known as the song’s “hook.” This is the hook referred to by Vanilla Ice on Ice Ice Baby’s chorus, which incidentally was stolen/sampled from the song “Under Pressure” by Queen/David Bowie. This is what got Poker Face by Lady Gaga, Sugar Sugar by the Archies, and Napakasakit, Kuya Eddie by Roel Cortez famous. Recently, in order to keep people listening, radio stations repeatedly got the tried and tested formula of copying whatever works (which is currently loudmouthed DJs with opinions catchphrases and jokes colorful enough they are only suitable for 2 things, comedy bars or an all-stud beer session. It probably started with “Kailangan pa bang i-memorize yan?” until the irritating “Mehganun?!” and today’s “*blank*paMOR!” Hearing the Visayan or Ilocano language is good, but more often, when you only hear the medium, it only gives you a warning that the next joke will make fun of a stereotyped “probinsyano.” And now you can listen to sexual jokes on the radio in between playing One Direction and Taylor Swift songs;you know, songs your eight-year old love. Things got bad enough that NU 107.5 closed down a few years ago.

Now the good news. 92.3 FM got bought by Manny Pangilinan and got turned into an all-news FM station. This is one thing that I really wished for when Ondoy hit and I got stuck in the hospital morgue overnight (it is a teaching hospital). Since mobile phones which have radios built in (as opposed to downloading an app) only have FM on it, there will be times that the Facebook newsfeed won’t be enough. Or if you prefer formal news, like when you get aroused on hearing of the latest turn of events about Mamasapano congressional hearings but online news agencies can’t create or speculate web content fast enough, you can always get a phone patch through the radio news.

Niche programming is back, in a way. There is no more NU 107.5 but Tiger 22 Media Corporation put out 2 stations for 2 different kinds of people: people who wish they are rockers and people who wish they’re in a club. That’s Jam 88.3 and 99.5 Play FM for you. Of course you can always convert to mp3 format that youtube video of Elvis Presley singing “Suspicious Minds” so Jam 88.3 has the Merch Crate, a promo tied in with their Facebook page that gives the lucky wiener a gift package full of souvenir items from local rock bands. 99.5 Play FM also has mixes straight from club DJs themselves, which will help you get out of that boring office. Just lock yourself in a sweaty closet and smoke cigarettes (please don’t try this). The dark and stuffy atmosphere and you will think that ‘there’s that cute guy over there, mind you don’t steal HIS cute guy.’

For stuffy, “amoy lupa”-types (we prefer the term, “old soul”), you always have 100.3 DZRJ with songs mostly from the 60’s and covers by Ramon Jacinto. You also have 98.7 FM (Master’s Touch) for classical music and Christian talk radio. There is a surprise as well if you go over to 104.3 DWBR. This is actually a government-run radio service that churns out surprisingly good quality music from the 30’s down to the 80’s. If you can stand the newsreaders with bad Filipino accents (as in p/f/b/v issues and diction), the news content is actually good that propaganda is not as bad as on the TV channel PTV4. Larry Henares, though he mostly quotes other people’s opinion columns, is always good.

rjacinto

For television, I am not talking about television series or the “Mahiwagang Black Box” sold by ABS-CBN to people too cheap to commit to cable yet can’t get enough for their Forevermore fix. Some TV channels have also changed, and what wonderful changes. Channel 9 I think is still with Solar and is now named CNN Philippines. It is not all news though. Bogart the Explorer appears in a comedy documentary reminiscent of Strangebrew and Matanglawin. Channel 5 still keeps pirating other TV channels’ stars, but their MovieMax features that dubs foreign movis in Filipino is so well-entrenched and popular, pirated DVDs actually record these and sell the dubbed copies. The government channel, PTV4 also has an innovation: Philippine Charity Sweepstakes Office has 6/58 now and will give new bounds to exciting millions of Filipino people.

Well, it turns out these things are very awesome only when there is no free internet connection to be had. Key is, you have to know what to look for in order to enjoy them.


Kunyari Tweet #3

Ano ang meron sa Robust? Napansin ko meron itong horny goat extract; ano sa Tagalog ang HORNY GOAT EXTRACT??


COMELEC 2013 Party-List Candidates

I’m excited.

It is election season again and there are the usual suspects for lots of ads, irritating jingles, and far-fetched promises. There are new developments, though. There are people decided to stand up to Epals (politicians who shamelessly try to get your attention by getting in every aspect of your waking life). There have also been other people who are noticing party lists. These people criticise some party-lists because they apparently waste resources, engage in corruption and do nothing for constituents. I make no such claim. I only seek to present to you ways on making these party-lists funny. Just look at their names:

1. ABONO – Know what else makes good crop fertilizer aside from good old chemicals? Bull.

2. AAMA – …because it sounds less funny than IINA, or Godforbid, AANAK

3. BUTIL – call me a pervert, but this rhymes with kuntil.

4. UMALAB KA – party-list ng mga pyromaniac

5. AMOR SEAMAN – If you would like to get the support of Filipinos who work in the merchant marine industry, can’t you get a better name than one which points out the legendary promiscuousness?

6. ABANTE KA – Bulgar ako. Sagad siya.

7. BANTAY – a.k.a. THE TRUE MARCOS LOYALIST (FOR GOD, COUNTRY AND PEOPLE) ASSOCIATION OF THE PHILIPPINES, INC. i used to call dogs Bantay…

8. AKAP BATA – party-list ni Michael Jackson, RIP

9. AKO BAHAY – when Ah Se was asked what he would contribute to their newly-created party-list…

10. KAKUSA – this is an organization of people who were wrongfully imprisoned. What is the selection process for this?

Party-List Names Who Really Want to be on Top and Number One:

1. 1-CARE

2. AAMA

3. 1-LAMBAT

4. AANI

5. AN WARAY

6. ANG LADLAD

7. 1-ABILIDAD

8. ABANTE RETIREES – These people who weren’t hired by other tabloids

9. ATING KOOP – aka Adhikaing Itinataguyod ng Kooperatiba

10. ANG PROLIFE

11. ATING GURO – Why didn’t I include AVE? It has Alliance as the first letter of the acronym

12. 1-AAMOVER

13. AMIN – for Anak Mindanao Party-List

14. ABAKADA

15. ABROAD – Action Brotherhood for Young Dreamers, I wish I knew how they dreamed up the name.

16. ANGKLA

17. AGBIAG

18. ATONG PAGLAUM

19. AAMBIS-OWA

20. 1-AALALAY

21. ABANTE KA – This stands for Abante Katutubo

22. 1-BAP – Interesting. This is a coalition of Banat and Ahapo Party-Lists

23. 1 BRO-PGBI – Philippine Guardians Brotherhood

24. A-IPRA

25. ANG KASANGGA

26. ANG MINERO

27. AA-KASOSYO

28. 1 ANG PAMILYA – Estrada, Revilla and Schwarzenegger are not members of this party-list

29. 1ST KABAGIS

30. 1-UTAK

31. 1GANAP/GUARDIANS – So who were the Guardians from earlier?

32. AASENSO

33. A BLESSED

34. AMA – Nope, not a party-list for motherf–, fathers, but it stands for Ang Mata’y Alagaan

35. 1SAGIP

36. 1JAMG

37. AKO BAHAY

38. AKO – aka Ako Ayoko Sa Bawal Na Droga (someone’s being “pushed”)

39. ANG NARS

40. ALIF

41. 1-PABAHAY

42. ABANG LINGKOD

And there are some party lists who just don’t care:

1. ABS – Arts Business and Science Professionals. how are they marginalized?

2. OFW Family Club Inc. – sounds like they have a TV show with a televangelist

3. AMS – Alyansa ng Media at ShowBiz. Really?

4. BH – for Bernadette Herrera

5. PBA – Pwersa n Bayaning Atleta

6. FIRM 24-K – sounds sexy, rich, or is it just me, the perv?

7. ANG LADLAD – from the book by Danton Remoto, they have a solid cause, but this could use some marketing magic.

8. 1-AAMOVER – 1-A ACTION MORAL & VALUES RECOVERY REFORM PHILIPPINES, INC. Ayaw nila malamang sa blog na ito.

9. UMALAB KA – UGNAYAN NG MARALITA LABAN SA KAHIRAPAN. The ultimate marginalized sector, the poor.

10. ABROAD – why would I trust a congressman who wants me to quit the country?

11. LPGMA – LPG Marketers Association. Really?

12. 1st KABAGIS – 1ST KABALIKAT NG BAYAN GINHAWANG SANGKATAUHAN, Universal party-list!

At ang walang pakialam sa kanilang lahat:

PACYAW.

There are a lot of party-lists not mentioned. In fact, there are 123 of them. I just feel tired today.

For the full list, check this link.


Movies and You (your sex life)

What if we can actually guess people’s sex lives by their favorite movies? This is one of my silly dreams, so please indulge me. And I get first dibs on “Incredible Hulk.”

Other good movies to base a sex life on:
Last Man Standing

Dude, Where’s My Car?

Die Hard

Bukas, Luluhod ang mga Tala (scandalicious!)

9 1/2 Weeks

Ang Dalubhasa

Baby Ama

Lethal Weapon (li-tel wepon)

300

12 Rounds

7 Pounds

Beetlejuice (Spanish Fly users)

The Dark Knight Rises

Tropic Thunder

What movies do you want to base your sex life on?


Neckromancer Does Boy Pick-Up

This comes as a dialog:

Mister: Sweetie-pie, mais ka ba?

Misis: Bakit?

Mister: Kasi, sa tinagal-tagal natin, hindi ka nagbabago.

Misis: Ang sweet mo naman. E, pano nga pala naging mais iyon?

Enter Boy Backup!
Boy Backup: Ang mais kasi e ang pagkain na maipasok man sa katawan o mailabas, mais pa rin.

Misis: Mais pala ha?

Mister: Punyeta ka Boy Backup!

***

On an unrelated note, Happy Mothers’ Day!


Innovations # 2

I found a way to make the “spell committee” joke funnier. One can add that it sounds like the script of a bad porn clip involving a pizza delivery man. It will only still work for Filipinos though.

For Filipinos fortunate enough not to remember the joke, take heart! I’m not putting it here: This isn’t a videoblog. Yet.


Dirty Joke: Hypnotist

Here’s a joke that won’t be featured on one of those FM radio stations:

May isang magician na magaling sa hipnotismo. Sa sobrang galing niya, niyaya siyang magperform sa TV, a la Criss Angel at David Blaine. Naghipnotismo siya nang aso, nang kabayo at nang tao. Bilang pagtatapos, sinabi niya sa camera na kaya niyang i-hipnotismo ang audience na nanonood.

Pinatulog niya sa harap ng kamera ang libu-libong manonood. Pinasayaw niya nang Macarena ang mga lalaki at ang mga babae ay pinag-jumping jack nang 30 beses. Pinatahol niya ang mga bata at ang lahat ay pinag-head bang sa saliw ng tugtog na Lumayo Ka Man Sa Akin.

OK na sana ang lahat. Ang TV producer na nanonood sa tabi ay nagbibilang na ng kikitain ng miniseries nang natapilok ang magician at nasabi niya sa kamera, “AY, TAE!”

Moral: May silbi pa rin ang MTRCB.