Category Archives: as seen on the internets

10 Kumainments

Nanonood ka ng paborito mong soap opera/telenovela/teleserye/anobadapatangtawagsamgato at nag-commercial. May mamang pamilyar na kakain sa mesa at may katabing dalawang tinapay na nakatayo. Siya si Mang Moy (pinaikling Moises), at kahit na mukhang lumalapastangan sa Lumang Tipan e nagbibigay ng Sampung Utos ng Paglafang.

Dito iyan nagsimula: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OzNWiWIOirY

Dati kasi e napaka-boring ang pagkakahayag nito: Click. English pa. Madalas e sa eskwelahan lang at health center mababasa ito, at ang pang-udyok lang na magbasa nito e kung bibigyan ka ng test pagkatapos. Ang Nutrition Guidelines for Filipinos ay isang listahan ng mga tuntunin kung paano magiging malusog sa pamamagitan ng pagkain NANG tama (magkakasakit ka atay sa pagkain NG tama, ikaw ba naman ang magalmusal ng Red Horse araw-araw). Paano ba naman, kahit sa makabagong panahon ng Oculus Rift, Six Bomb at Mamasapano (na isang alaala sa medieval na kaisipan) e napakarami pa ring bata ang kulang sa nutrisyon. Kulang sa timbang ang mga batang ito at nakapagdudulot din ng kapurulan sa pag-iisip. Marahil may magsasalita na diyan na imbes na gumawa ng santambak na TV commercial e itaas na lang ang pondo ng agrikultura. Meron na rin tayo diyan, pero DoH ang may pakana nito, at gusto nila na maabot ang kamalayan ng mga misis na nanonood ng Flordeliza. Sa dinami-dami naman kasi ng pwedeng ikasakit, napakadaling tugunan ang nutritional deficiency. At hindi nito kailangan ng mahal na gatas, cartoon character o napakamahal na gamit sa kusina. E ano naman ang pakialam ko, di ba nambababoy ako ng mga lumang kanta? Wala lang. Gusto ko ang mga listahan, at gusto ko sa mga bata. Umangal na ang aangal kung hindi muna ako kengkoy.

1. Kumain ng iba’t ibang pagkain.

Parang nakakabobo namang payo ito. Para mo na rin sinabing: Uminom ka ng tubig kapag nauuhaw, o Sa banyo ka tumae huwag sa plato. Pero kung manood ka ng TV, na nagsisilbing textbook ng madaming ina ngayon, hindi ba parang maengganyo kang makaisip na kahit instant noodles lang ang kainin ng anak mo, basta iyung binebentang noodles ng paborito mong artista o basta makainom lang ng mahal na gatas ang anak mo e lalaki na siyang malusog? At oo, sinungaling si Mikael Daez. Hindi ganoon kadami ang kailangang kainin ng tao araw-araw. Ang susi nito ay nakapagtatago naman ng vitamins sa katawan ng tao (lalo na kung mga A, D, E at K; nagtatago sila sa taba). Kaya kung kumain ka man ng kalabasa kahapon, sinulit mo sana para kung steamed okra na may bagoong ang ulam mo ngayon e may vitamin A ka pa din.

2. Sa unang 6 months ni baby, breastfeeding lamang; mula 6 months, bigyan din siya ng angkop na pagkain.

Nagbubukas ang komersyal na tinatanong si Mang Moy kung bakit siya matangkad. Hindi niya sinabing nagkakanin siya nang may kasamang pinatigas na dilaw na mantika (sarap!) noong bata siya (isa na namang ideya para sa article ito). Pinasuso siya ng nanay niya. Noong ipinanganak tayo, kumpleto na ang katawan natin, pero iyung tiyan natin e mas bagay tumunaw ng pagkain na kilala nito, yung galing sa nanay niya siyempre.

(Malamang may sarili kayong joke ukol sa pagpapasuso. Dito niyo na lang ilagay.)

3. Kumain ng prutas at gulay araw-araw.

Hay, Diyos ko. Para na ring sinabing: Huwag bumili ng pirated na DVD. Alam nating lahat ito, pero hindi natin iniisip. Malamang iniisip natin na pang-mahirap ang gulay na ulam, at mahal ang prutas. O hindi masarap ang ulam na walang karne. Hindi ba malakas ang benta ng betsin dito sa atin, gaya nang mga ginisa mix.

Sige, sabihin nang kumain ng gulay, pero hindi naman kailangang ulam lagi. Pwede itong papakin. Hindi rin dapat na lahat ng gulay na alam natin e yung nasa Bahay Kubo lang. May alugbati, langka/kamansi, sayote, at iba’t ibang klase ng talbos. Mahilig ka ba sa balut? Subukang kumain ng Balut ng Kingdom Plantae, ang Bulaklak ng Kalabasa. Lahat ng ito, (oo, kahit ampalaya!) masarap nang may kaunting bagoong.

At hindi kailangang kumain ng ponkan, mansanas o mangga para sa prutas. Mag-nostalgia trip sa aratilis, atis, makopa, mabolo at balimbing. Bawat buwan, may prutas na napapanahon. At dahil hindi pilit ang pamumunga nito, kahit na maliliit, di hamak na mas masustansya kaysa prutas na mabibili buong taon kasi dinaya sa pataba o greenhouse. Sa isang magandang cheat code ng buhay, counted and pag-inom ng juice sa pagkain ng prutas. Pero dapat yung hindi na minatamis, ha.

4. Kumain ng isda, karne at iba pang pagkaing may protina.

Hindi lang kumain ng karne. May mga taong vegetarian pero kailangan pa rin ng protina sa katawan. Ang kakulangan ng protina sa katawan lalo na sa bata ay nakikita sa sakit na kung tawagin ay kwashiorkor. Nakikita ito sa pagkaing mayaman nga sa carbohydrates, gaya ng kanin o lugaw pero nabubusog man sa dami ng kinain ay kulang sa protina.

Ano ba ang ibang pagkain na may protina bukod sa isda at karne?
– Gulay gaya ng munggo, sitaw, bataw, pataneeeee!
– taho
– kuhol
– palaka
– daga
– mga insekto gaya ng kamaro

5. Uminom ng gatas; Kumain ng pagkaing mayaman sa calcium.

Ang calcium ay mineral na malaki ang halaga sa pagbuo ng buto. Pero ang pinakamahalagang gamit nito sa katawan ng tao ay sa pagpapanatili ng malusog na dugo. Kaya kapag tumatanda ang tao ay madalas nakukuba hindi dahil nawawala ang calcium sa buto. Kinukuha ito ng dugo para gamitin. Hindi kailangang bumili ng mahal na gatas. Dilis, halaan, tahong at madami pang gulay ay mayaman dito. Mga gulay na kamag-anak ng repolyo, petsay at broccoli ang tsampiyon dito.

6. Tiyaking malinis at ligtas ang ating pagkain at tubig.

Hindi lang puro vitamins at minerals ang usapan. Tiyaking hindi magkakasakit sa pagkain, hindi lamang sa pagluluto at paninigurong luto at walang makasasamang sangkap ang pagkain, kung hindi maghugas din ng kamay kapag naghahanda ng makakain at bago kumain.

7. Gumamit ng iodized salt.

Naalala niyo si L.A. Lopez?

Presidente si Ramos nung nakuha siyang magtinda ng ibang klaseng asin. Hindi kasi uso sa mga lugar na malapit sa dagat gaya ng NCR na magkulang sa iodine. Isa itong mineral na mahalaga sa pagbuo ng utak habang bata pa. Sa pagtanda, ang kakulangan nito ang nagdudulot ng sakit na bosyo. Ito yung madalas nating makita sa Kapwa Ko Mahal Ko na parang nakalunok ng pakwan, pero imbes na buntis e naiwan sa lalamunan ang pakwan.

8. Hinay-hinay sa maaalat, mamantika o matatamis.

Una, lahat ng sobra ay masama. Pangalawa, hindi naman bawal. Kumain lang na para bang napakadami nitong klaseng pagkain sa mundo. Iyun bang pagsasawaan mo. (Hindi ba parang ganun naman talaga ngayon?) Bukod sa maluntrisyon, malaki ang kinalaman ng sobrang pagkain sa mga sakit gaya ng diabetes, sakit sa puso at stroke.

9. Panatilihin ang tamang timbang.

Aray, talo ako diyan. Pero sa totoo lang, kailangang panatilihin ang timbang na tama lang upang umiwas sa sakit. Ngayon, isa sa mainam na paraan upang malaman kung tama ang timbang e timbangin ang sarili. E, paano gagawin ang pagpapababa ng timbang at pag-iwas sa mga sakit na nagdudulot ng kakulangan ng sustansya sa katawan?

10. Maging aktibo. Iwasan ang alak; huwag manigarilyo.

Boom panes. Sige lalakad muna ako. gtg

10-kumainments-20141028-filipino

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The Pope’s Exhortation to the Youth Explained

It has been more than a week, and the hysteria has died down.People are no longer talking about his food, his previous lovelife, and his advice to families (“not like rabbits”). Perhaps I have been looking in the wrong places, but it was a rare post on social media about his exhortation to the youth. I think I made the right choice in staying home, as I was just watching TV and taking it all in, sans traffic, sans sweaty people, sans rain. I can’t blame the people, as I also wanted to be there, but was thinking of the magic of TV as I sat that day, having myself a revelation.

What revelation? Nothing much, really. Nothing that has not already been covered in the Bible, or in Religion or Christian Living class. It was really more akin to our parish priest discussing and explaining the daily gospel. The funny thing about it was even though he had foregone his prepared speech, he still got his point across. Three messages: 1.) Learn how to weep; 2.) How do you love? To think, to feel and to do; and 3.) Learn how to beg. What do I expect, the guy used to teach in college. But I was expecting him to mouth off exotic terms and impossible theology. I underestimated him. I should not have relied on mass media.

Now I have reflected on these three messages, and I made any theological or moral mistakes, please bear with me. The mistakes are all my own.

1. Learn how to weep. The visit had a theme, and is about mercy and compassion. Too often, he said, compassion makes us reach into our pockets and to give something for the poor, whether it be for a sampaguita vendor or a package of clothes and food for disaster victims. This is good in itself, but it should not stop on this. We should have the kind of compassion Christ did. What kind of compassion? Compassion means to feel what your fellow is going through. Christ became man. He became hungry, he lost a dear friend to death, and was also frightened of the future (in Getsemane). He suffered physical, mental, and emotional pain, anguish and shame. For this he was able to love us fully. For how can you not hate a multiple drug addict (or any kind of addict) if you know what withdrawal symptoms (and dopamine dependency and social stigma) are like? How can you not hate a single parent prostitute if you have to feed your daughter and send her to school, and you only know one trade? How can you condemn a suicide if you haven’t been deeply depressed? When you know what it feels like, it releases you and you become better able to help. You know which words to use, to assure and not to promise. You take their hand and sit in silence. You cry with them.You don’t have to experience these things, I hope not, but if you ask, you will hear. If you are still here, and want to help, you can volunteer. There are lots of institutions for doing so. But if you are sensitive, you can get asked by a friend.
2. The challenge of love or how to become saints. This is a bit tricky as he tried to cram other bits and pieces (this is impromptu after all), but one in particular shines through: He was reconciling the idea of the youth having access to the greatest repository of knowledge so far, and maintaining that it is not evil, but to use this knowledge to love. Too often, with too much knowlege we become too immersed in pop culture. Memes, fads, and hit songs and videos can run us the risk of easily getting jaded. A term, computer psychology (he probably means mentality), he explains as knowing everything that you do not become surprised anymore. (If you know the science fiction classic Dune, especially God Emperor of Dune, you will know what I mean.) Change frightens us, as we want to preserve the status quo. We do not want the cheese to be moved. Change makes us insecure, as we do not know the future. Love is like that. There is a saying among some people that they do not want to love because they do not want to get hurt again. They do not want to change. But God has loved us, and continues doing so. Even when we do not respond in kind. Who gets hurt more often than Him? But we are better off for His love. Therefore love, and allow ourselves to be surprised by love.
3. Learn how to beg. If I have not read of a book by a Father Robert Boudens I might have missed this, as I have been raised on “It is better to give than to receive.” Being a Boy Scout, to learn to rely on oneself and be self-sufficient. It was only in having nothing that I realized the value of having real friends. The overarching message is to learn how to be poor in spirit. This is not to say that we ask of people, we can do that easily, thank you very much, but to acknowledge what we lack, and ask of it, in humility, of others. To beg is not only to ask, but to ask with head bowed, without pride, but with courage and trust. We may not be poor in money, but we do not acknowledge that we need to be loved. Or the need for humor. Or the need to be trusted.
The Pope ended his speech on an apologetic note, as he hadn’t read his prepared speech. This was the highlight of the visit for me, to learn that all along I have known these truths, yet I haven’t been practicing them and I should, for this is the mark of being a Christian. To do as Christ has done.

For a transcript of the message, I got a nifty link from rappler here: http://www.rappler.com/…/81203-full-text-pope-francis-messa….
For a youtube video:


Movie Games: Utot

My first post for the year involves things I love: vulgarity, lists, games, and a healthy regard for creativity. I have been a member of manilatonight.com, and its facebook page, where I have been participating in the time-honored forum tradition of games. There is this one I posted before about Movies that describe your sex life. In the light of the upcoming visit of the Holy Father, though, let me be mild for a moment and give you the Greatest Hits for Use a Movie Title to Describe Your Fart: (and Why)

  1. Sound of Music – what you call your own
  2. Blast from the Past – When you walk into an elevator after someone who looks very guilty leaves it
  3. The Wind Talkers – When you engage in a contest with a friend
  4. Wrong Turn – when you were supposed to burp
  5. Splash – when you do it while peeing
  6. Battle of the Bulge – When the gas is heavy enough to create its own breathing space
  7. The Usual Suspects – When you are notorious enough that no one asks anymore who did it
  8. Gone With the Wind – When you know you are notorious enough to disappear when you do
  9. Kick-Ass – When someone hates you for farting they do this to you
  10. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs – When you really need to go to the bathroom

Review: Dati

Tagal ko nang hindi ginawa ito! Sa totoo lang, parang ayaw ko na magreview ng kanta dahil puro lumang kanta sa 1o4.3 ang pinakikinggan ko sa radyo, pero may kakaibang dating ang kantang ito. Para bang sinasabing uso na ang maging “nineties kid” gaya ko. Pakiramdam ko rin trenta na ako, di gaya ng tunay kong edad na bentenuwebe. Sinulat ni Thyro Alfaro at Yumi Lacsamana para sa isang contest (na napanalunan), halatang mga kaedad ko sila, hindi si Sam Concepcion. May shoutout ang kanta sa aking mga favorite things gaya ng family computer, cartoons sa ABS-CBN, ang kahalagahan ng 4:30 PM (sagrado ang oras na to, ‘tol), siesta (na tinatakasan ko), at Bojo Molina. Hindi binanggit si Aiza Seguerra, rollerblades, at teks (na minana sa mga 80s kids).

Pinanood ko rin ang youtube (maganda ang connection ko ngayon e) music video nito by Universal Records, at nakulangan ako. May dalawang bata na naglalaro dito ng mga laruan ko dati (Ultraman at Pop rings, anyone?). Inilagay nila sa isang garapon at ibinaon (parang episode sa Mojacko) para gawing time capsule. Sa dulo naglabas ng passport si lalaki at mag-aabroad pala siya. Medyo pilit ang kuwento, pero ayos lang. Nakakasawa na minsan yung mga break sa kanta para lang may spoken word ek-ek yung video. Mas pilit lang yung exposure ni Sam Concepcion at Tippy Dos Santos na kumakanta (si Tippy ewan ko ba kung bakit hindi mabitawan ang higanteng payong). Si Quest? More exposure pa!

Lyrics:

Datirati sabay pa nating pinangarap ang lahat
Umaawit pa sa hangin at amoy araw ang balat
Naaalala ko pa non nag-aagawan ng nintendo
Kay sarap namang mabalikan ang ating kwento

Lagi-lagi ka sa amin dumidiretso pag-uwi
Maglalaro ng tao-taong piso-pisong nabili
Umaawit ng theme song na sabay kinabisa
Kay sarap namang mabalikan ang alaala

Ikaw ang kasama buhat noon
Ikaw ang pangarap hanggang ngayon

Chorus
Di bat ikaw nga yung reyna at ako ang iyong hari
Ako yung prinsesang sagip mo palagi
Ngunit ngayoy marami ng nabago’t nangyari
Ngunit di ang pagtingin na gaya pa rin ng
Dararatda dati
Dararatda dati
Dararatda dati
Na gaya pa rin ng…

Datirati ay palaging sabay na mag syesta
At sabay rin gigising alas kwatro y medya
Sabay manunuod ng paboritong programa
O kay tamis naman mabalikan ang alaala

Chorus
Di bat ikaw nga yung reyna at ako ang iyong hari
Ako yung prinsesang sagip mo palagi
Ngunit ngayoy marami ng nabago’t nangyari
Ngunit di ang pagtingin na gaya pa rin ng

Rap: Quest
Datirati ay naglalaro pa ng bahay-bahayan
Gamit-gamit ang mantel na itinali sa kawayan
At pawang magkakalaban pag nag tataya-tayaan
Pero singtamis ng kendi pag nagkakasal-kasalan
Diba dati ay nagkukunwaring Marvin at Jolina
Minsan ay tambalang Mylene at Bojo Molina
Ang sarap sigurong balikan ng mga alaala
Lalo na’t kung magkayap mga bata’t magkasama at

Parang Julio at Julia lagi tayong magkasama
Sabay tayong umiiyak pag inaapi si Sarah
Una kang kinakatok sa pagsapit ng umaga
Sana mabalik pa natin ating pagsasama

Chorus
Di bat ikaw nga yung reyna at ako ang iyong hari
Ako yung prinsesang sagip mo palagi
Ngunit ngayo’y malayo ka’t malabong mangyari
Ang aking pagtingin,
Oh ibulong nalang sa hangin
Pangarap na lang din (pangarap na lang din)
Na gaya pa rin ng…

Dararatda dati
Dararatda dati
Dararatda dati
Na gaya pa rin

Dararatda dati
Dararatda dati
Dararatda dati
Na gaya pa rin ng…

Ng dati

Video:

Sarap balikan ng mga alaala. Minsan, ito na lang ang matitira. Langyang Alzheimer’s iyan.

P.S. Para sa mga nineties kid, punta kayo sa I-Mockery. You will like what you see.


Ways to Make My Husband’s Lover More Fun

Ah, progress. Look how far we’ve come so far. We started from bathing in bamboo cages in the Pasig River, to censoring SuperMouse and the Roborats, to My Husband’s Lover. It is already the toast/talk/tweet of the town. Finally, a gay lead character who doesn’t do drag. He doesn’t even wish to be female, unlike Lalola. It takes the old formula of a love triangle and injects some new blood. For better, I ask, or for worse?

 

Well, being shown late at night, I personally think the show can sometimes get a little tiring, especially after a long day at work. Here are some ideas that I think can liven it up:

 

5. GET GOLD’S GYM AS SPONSOR – With the “new” lifestyle, I’ve heard (promise!) this is where they now congregate.

 

4. TWITTER FEEDS IN GAY LINGO – Or was that offensive?

 

3. GUEST APPEARANCE BY CELIA RODRIGUEZ – My friend EJ, I think, will agree. Don’t settle for BB Gandanghari, or even think about it.

 

2. A SUBPLOT INVOLVING GIANT MONSTERS ATTACKING METRO MANILA AND CREATING GIANT ROBOTS CONTROLLED THROUGH THE PILOT’S MOTIONS TO FIGHT THEM – I did say fun, right?

 

1. REPLACE CARLA ABELLANA WITH KC CONCEPCION – You don’t even have to change the shampoo sponsor.

 

 

*** Now, where do I hide from the haters?


Kunyari Tweet # 4: A New Pope

Sabi mo, pampam! Pope Francis I. Sige, tama na ang turismo.

***
Seriously, God bless the new Pope!


COMELEC 2013 Party-List Candidates

I’m excited.

It is election season again and there are the usual suspects for lots of ads, irritating jingles, and far-fetched promises. There are new developments, though. There are people decided to stand up to Epals (politicians who shamelessly try to get your attention by getting in every aspect of your waking life). There have also been other people who are noticing party lists. These people criticise some party-lists because they apparently waste resources, engage in corruption and do nothing for constituents. I make no such claim. I only seek to present to you ways on making these party-lists funny. Just look at their names:

1. ABONO – Know what else makes good crop fertilizer aside from good old chemicals? Bull.

2. AAMA – …because it sounds less funny than IINA, or Godforbid, AANAK

3. BUTIL – call me a pervert, but this rhymes with kuntil.

4. UMALAB KA – party-list ng mga pyromaniac

5. AMOR SEAMAN – If you would like to get the support of Filipinos who work in the merchant marine industry, can’t you get a better name than one which points out the legendary promiscuousness?

6. ABANTE KA – Bulgar ako. Sagad siya.

7. BANTAY – a.k.a. THE TRUE MARCOS LOYALIST (FOR GOD, COUNTRY AND PEOPLE) ASSOCIATION OF THE PHILIPPINES, INC. i used to call dogs Bantay…

8. AKAP BATA – party-list ni Michael Jackson, RIP

9. AKO BAHAY – when Ah Se was asked what he would contribute to their newly-created party-list…

10. KAKUSA – this is an organization of people who were wrongfully imprisoned. What is the selection process for this?

Party-List Names Who Really Want to be on Top and Number One:

1. 1-CARE

2. AAMA

3. 1-LAMBAT

4. AANI

5. AN WARAY

6. ANG LADLAD

7. 1-ABILIDAD

8. ABANTE RETIREES – These people who weren’t hired by other tabloids

9. ATING KOOP – aka Adhikaing Itinataguyod ng Kooperatiba

10. ANG PROLIFE

11. ATING GURO – Why didn’t I include AVE? It has Alliance as the first letter of the acronym

12. 1-AAMOVER

13. AMIN – for Anak Mindanao Party-List

14. ABAKADA

15. ABROAD – Action Brotherhood for Young Dreamers, I wish I knew how they dreamed up the name.

16. ANGKLA

17. AGBIAG

18. ATONG PAGLAUM

19. AAMBIS-OWA

20. 1-AALALAY

21. ABANTE KA – This stands for Abante Katutubo

22. 1-BAP – Interesting. This is a coalition of Banat and Ahapo Party-Lists

23. 1 BRO-PGBI – Philippine Guardians Brotherhood

24. A-IPRA

25. ANG KASANGGA

26. ANG MINERO

27. AA-KASOSYO

28. 1 ANG PAMILYA – Estrada, Revilla and Schwarzenegger are not members of this party-list

29. 1ST KABAGIS

30. 1-UTAK

31. 1GANAP/GUARDIANS – So who were the Guardians from earlier?

32. AASENSO

33. A BLESSED

34. AMA – Nope, not a party-list for motherf–, fathers, but it stands for Ang Mata’y Alagaan

35. 1SAGIP

36. 1JAMG

37. AKO BAHAY

38. AKO – aka Ako Ayoko Sa Bawal Na Droga (someone’s being “pushed”)

39. ANG NARS

40. ALIF

41. 1-PABAHAY

42. ABANG LINGKOD

And there are some party lists who just don’t care:

1. ABS – Arts Business and Science Professionals. how are they marginalized?

2. OFW Family Club Inc. – sounds like they have a TV show with a televangelist

3. AMS – Alyansa ng Media at ShowBiz. Really?

4. BH – for Bernadette Herrera

5. PBA – Pwersa n Bayaning Atleta

6. FIRM 24-K – sounds sexy, rich, or is it just me, the perv?

7. ANG LADLAD – from the book by Danton Remoto, they have a solid cause, but this could use some marketing magic.

8. 1-AAMOVER – 1-A ACTION MORAL & VALUES RECOVERY REFORM PHILIPPINES, INC. Ayaw nila malamang sa blog na ito.

9. UMALAB KA – UGNAYAN NG MARALITA LABAN SA KAHIRAPAN. The ultimate marginalized sector, the poor.

10. ABROAD – why would I trust a congressman who wants me to quit the country?

11. LPGMA – LPG Marketers Association. Really?

12. 1st KABAGIS – 1ST KABALIKAT NG BAYAN GINHAWANG SANGKATAUHAN, Universal party-list!

At ang walang pakialam sa kanilang lahat:

PACYAW.

There are a lot of party-lists not mentioned. In fact, there are 123 of them. I just feel tired today.

For the full list, check this link.