Sexoticons! Or How to Make the Alphabet Worse for Everyone Else

You have been warned. You will not be able to unread what you will encounter in this post.

See, by means of wondrous technology, people can now engage in a form of safe sex by means of the cellular phone. Once there was only (landline) phone sex (zero backlog did not yet exist, and PLDT was all we had). Some people remember “partylines” and “PARTY lines” (ones that begin with 1-900 and cost P30/minute). And some lonely people just had phone sex (there I said it), in a dark, cold room in the house, with all other people sleeping. And it still got one at least tatlong beintesingko.

Then the cellular phone was invented, although the first great impact on human libido did not become fully realized until the introduction of that concept known as unlimited text. (The other great impacts to human libido are picture messages, camera phones and 3G. but that is a topic for another time.) SMS or short message service allows people to send short messages to each other as loud or as discreet as they want. It effectively ended the pager/beeper era and the joke on Amanda Page.

For the horny human, however, one of the uses of SMS is that little brother of Sex-on-the-Phone (SOP), the one people call Sex-on-Text (SOT). SOT is the old standby of students, two-timing lovers and people on the go. And cheapskates. With cellphone service providers offering promos such as unlimited texting, enhanced masturbation can be achieved.

One thing I observed (through interviews and third-hand info, there I said it) about SOT is that one thing limiting the pleasure of the participants is the strain on the thumb from texting the erotic message (to say nothing of smelly and sticky fingers). The particular configuration of the letters of the alphabet in popular cellphone models require the user to press a button very fast to enable most letters, because letters (punctuations and diacritical marks too) are encoded on the numbers 1-0 in a certain way so they will fit. Some would call it De Quervain’s Disease, but it really is just a strain on the tendons moving the thumb. And given the unreadable quality of the language used in texting, (jejenese is a powerful anti-aphrodisiac) connoisseurs of SOT very rarely are honest when they say they enjoyed the experience (they are actually looking forward to the SEB instead). The SEB or Sex-Eye-Ball however, defeats the contraceptive property of SOT and I am here, thus, to propose a better way to preserve the biomechanics and promote efficiency of thumb movement, and improve the eroticism of this particular practice.

I present to you sexoticons, emoticons or smileys serving the same way as they do in internet forums. But with a mission. These are but a sample of a whole language. Please know Brain Bleach does not exist:

For men:

A – My binoy is hard. It is standing up in attention. / My bnoy s hard. Stnds a10shn. (Saved letters: 49. Saved letters in txt way: 30)

P – holding the binoy, upstroke

b – holding the binoy, downstroke; can also be: squeezing the binoy near the base

q & d – holding the binoy with the other hand

H – male homosexual “swordfighting” (BRAIN BLEACH!)

I – hard binoy

J – hard, curved binoy

i – squirting

j – curved squirting

K – binoy twitches

L – binoy horizontal with the sun

S – (very) curved binoy

s – small, (very) curved binoy

For the ladies:

a – tongue licking lips (see the expression here? one can be as subtle as he wants)

B – bare-assed/breasted, take your pick

C – one boob out

{ – one boob out, aroused

c – one small boob out

[ – one boob out, very flat

D -other boob out (and so on and so forth)

o – orgasm, or the highest point of coitus

O – a big orgasm

Q – a virgin has an orgasm

r – a squirt

t & f – the umbrella cane, perhaps? Help me out here.

Y – virgin

W – not virgin

And there are others. For now I need a cold shower.

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9 responses to “Sexoticons! Or How to Make the Alphabet Worse for Everyone Else

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