This comes as a dialog:
Mister: Sweetie-pie, mais ka ba?
Misis: Bakit?
Mister: Kasi, sa tinagal-tagal natin, hindi ka nagbabago.
Misis: Ang sweet mo naman. E, pano nga pala naging mais iyon?
Enter Boy Backup!
Boy Backup: Ang mais kasi e ang pagkain na maipasok man sa katawan o mailabas, mais pa rin.
Misis: Mais pala ha?
Mister: Punyeta ka Boy Backup!
***
On an unrelated note, Happy Mothers’ Day!
Dear neckromancer,
Are you worried about North Korea? I noticed you haven’t been posting on your blog lately.
fang
***
Dear fang,
No, I’m not! I’m just busy working as a tech support specialist for an international cellphone network. I have also been hired as a physical therapist (gratis) by my father’s aunt twice a week for her husband who recently had a stroke. It is so rewarding to see progress and hope after such an event. On mornings after I come home, I then help my grandmother with her arthritis with massage and heat packs.
On my leisure times, I enjoy games like any other guy, especially Diablo, Modern Warfare and the occasional Homefront.
Who has time to worry about North Korea?
A collection of what I have been able to scrounge for your enjoyment:
not exactly subtle...
…in front of your loved one that he or she can give your lover more loving than you can, politely refuse and apologize. That person must have detected the minute particles of pheromones you and your lover have been giving off all day, after you have enjoyed each other’s company in wild ecstacy.
He is the sort of person who, when he says a girl is “haba ng hair,” really means: MUKHANG MANGKUKULAM.
Sumbat is another of those Filipino words with no single-word equivalent in English. The best that Google Translate can come up with is guilt. Close, but sumbat is more than guilt. Sumbat, you see, is a verbal trick, one employed often by friends and family into getting you to use your talents for them by using past imagery invoking guilt and immaterial debt . This is how not to do networking.
Mothers are good with this. “You never call, you never write, you never text.” Old friends are next, “Sige na naman, para naman tayong walang pinagsamahan e. Hindi ba sabay pa tayong naninilip sa…” It can be taken to another level with “Para saan pang pinag-aral kita?”, which is a hostile attack at one’s self-assessment. All in all, people who make sumbat (I am sounding coñotic here but I don’t know an English equivalent) know you. They turn this knowledge of their association with you to force you into doing things you might not want to do. They might be right and justifiable, especially mothers, but the thing smacks of abuse and harassment. Why would you have someone you love feel guilt?
Sumbat is not the most unpleasant thing in the world to feel, but it lasts longer than many people think. Once a person makes a sumbat to another, the object of sumbat will never feel the same way about it. He will always feel resentment for the one who made the sumbat, whether he complied with it or not.
And for the object of sumbat? There’s no defense! If you are Filipino and you have been helped in some way by another person, you will be prone to sumbat. Hopefully, I have made a guide here I have thought of, especially for high school students who are thinking of going to college. Clip and save:
What Course to Take to be Sumbat-Free:
- Biology (you will still be asked to help a nephew with an assignment)
- even better, Marine Biology
- Anthropology
- Philosophy
- Information Technology (you will still be asked to repair computers)
-Criminology, but practice privately.
***
- If you will be taking “normal” college courses, then take a gander at these suggestions:
a. Medicine? Specialize in Psychiatry
b.Engineering? Join the Army.
c. Law? too bad. Wala kang takas. Law thrives upon sumbat.
4. I can think better going to work in the afternoon.
3. I get to sleep late… I have to sleep late!
2. I don’t have to endure the impeachment coverage.
1. I get to go home to a beautiful sunrise.
Dear Neckromancer,
Balita ko ay nagtatrabaho ka na sa call center kaya bihira ka na mag-post sa blog mo. Anyway, ang tanong ko ay ito: Hindi ako makatulog sa gabi. Lagi kasi akong may naririnig na mga nakakatakot na tunog sa baba ng bahay kapag dito ako natutulog mag-isa sa master’s bedroom. Pwede mo ba akong tulungan, bilang vampiric pervert?
Tatakut
***
Dear Tatakut,
Oo, ako ay nagtatrabaho na sa isang call center. Mahirap kasing gawin ang walang ginagawa. Pero hindi ito dahilan ng pagbalam ng aking mga post sa blog. Kumukuha lang ako ng ideya. Hindi ako makapagsusulat kung naka-tengga lang sa bahay, ano? Kailangan ko rin nang pambili ng libro ni Lewis Grizzard at Dave Barry.
Anyway, ukol sa katanungan mo, matutulungan kita. Matutulungan kita, pero hindi ngayon. Panggabi nga ako e.
Lumaking mahirap si Pablo sa isang maliit na bayan sa Nueva Ecija. Pinalaki siya ng kanyang ina na mag-isa. Palibhasa’y hindi niya nagisnan ang kanyang ama. MALANDI, bulung-bulungan ng mga kapitbahay, ngunit hindi ito inalintana ng mag-ina. “Wala akong hiningi sa kanila ni isang butil na bigas,” sabi ng kanyang ina.
Tinutukso si Pablo ng kanyang mga kalaro. PUTOK SA BUHO, sabi nila. Nang araw na iyon, umuwi siyang may pasa sa noo at punit ang laylayan ng kaliwang manggas ng kamiseta. Itinago niya ito sa kanyang ina.
Minsan lamang nagkuwento ang kanyang ina tungkol sa ama niya. Pasko noon, at wala silang makain. Napalo pa siya ng kanyang ina, na hindi naman nito ginagawa, dahil nagpumilit sabihin ng kanyang bibig ang himutok ng kanyang tiyan.
“Tahan na, anak.”
Singhot ng sobrang luha sa ilong at panginginig ng katawan ang sagot ni Pablo. Unang beses niyang mapalo.
“Pagpasensiyahan mo na ang Mommy, marami lang iniisip.”
Malaon ay nagpayakap na rin siya. Tapos,
“May tatay po ba ako?”
“Meron, anak. At nangako siya na hahanapin tayo.”
Marami pang ikinuwento ang kanyang ina ukol sa mahiwaga niyang ama, pero ito lang ang pinaka-naalala niya. Maraming beses na naglaro ang kanyang isipan; isa kayang Amerikanong sundalo ang tatay niya? isa kayang ubod nang yaman na emir sa Saudi? o baka naman isang Hapon na imbentor na mahusay gumawa ng gadget, robot o kotse?
Isang araw nalaman niya.
Hinimatay ang kanyang ina nang araw na dumating si Gregory. Siya raw ang abugado nang tatay niya. Kamamatay lang nito sa sakit na kanser, pero bago ito namatay ay nakuhang ipahanap sa buong mundo ang kanyang anak. Buong mundo? “Yes,” sabi ni Gregory. Nalaman ni Pablo na ang kanyang tunay na ama ay Amerikanong mayaman na gumagawa ng mga gadget na minahal ng buong mundo.
Hindi niya kinilala ang ama. “Sorry,” sabi niya kay Gregory. Pinalayas niya ang abugado.
***
Pangit kasing pakinggan na tatay niya si Steve Jobs.
The Tagalog slang diskarte was derived from the 17th century French philosopher Rene Descartes. He is famous for the line: I think, therefore I am. For that he predates Boy Pickup by 300 years.
BOOM!
